One Very Slow Foot Forward

Ok it's taken a few months for me to write another post.  I wasn't sure what I wanted this blog to be.  I have since figured it out.  It's my journal.  Like probably most everyone on the planet I'm just trying to get by.  Trying to be the best version of myself that I can be.  I'm deflated though.  Those who care about me still comment that I don't look happy.  I don't know what makes me happy anymore.  I want simplicity.  I don't want to feel like I'm drowning.  I can't remember the last time I felt like everything was just fine the way it was.  I need to learn how to say no.  I need to learn to speak up and have my voice heard. 
I don't want to worry about what everyone else does or doesn't have, I don't want to feel responsible for anything other than myself.  I don't want to even feel responsible for my husband.  I want to feel in partnership with him.  It's so off kilter though.  It is starting to right itself which is giving me hope.  We've had the longest winding road uphill with everything that's happened over the past 5-6 years.
I feel though that Mike is really trying to show me how much he wants our future to be together and strong.  That makes me happy.

I rejoined Weight Watchers for like the 10th time.  What a mind trip that was to decide to go back.  I've been wearing my fitbit for about 4 weeks now.  I just love it.  I knew I would, but I'm surprised at how much.  I like how it feels when I reach my step goal for the day.  It buzzes and flashes 10,000.  It's pretty cool.

We will see how I did this week next Tuesday.  I'd love to see a water loss but I've haven't had a good week one for a gazillion years.  It's usually .5 of a pound.  1 pound maybe.  It's a slow process.   Blah blah blah it didn't take a year to put on so why would it only take a year to come off.  Because I damn well want it too.

Still, I'm just taking everything one decision at a time.  Not even one day.  Just one decision. 
Escalator or Stairs, Muffin or Fruit, Crystal Light or Diet pop, Hot dog or Frozen Entree.
If I break it down to just each decision then it doesn't feel so bad.

Now if I could only get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.  All would be right with the world.  (Well at least while I was sleeping)

Where am I today?

Change, 180.

I cant say that there has ever been a time that I have felt this poorly overall.  Usually I'm able to focus on something in my life that can give me something positive.  It's also not that I don't like my life, who I am, what I do, who I'm with - I'm just not happy overall.  So I could be experiencing the usual monthly hormone swings, my depression could be back with a bit stronger cycle. I'm not sure.  All I know is that I've never felt like this before, or if I did, I can't recall.

I don't need to convince myself that I have much to be grateful for, I have boatloads. I have people who love and care about me, a few friends that I'm sure would like to spend more time with me than I give them.  I have pets I love dearly.  My career is good.  Regardless I am in a fog. I can't sleep properly, I can't move properly. I ache, it's difficult, and I just don't recognize myself anymore.

I used to think that the 30's were my transition years.  The years that you move from the uninhibited 20's to your "real" adult years.  Now, as I turn 44, I'm thinking those were still the young years.  Now I feel like I'm in a flux between life with less roots and life that feels like I'm shackled to routine.  Is life so regimented and formal that I have to do the day to day grind.  Is it really unrealistic to think that given the opportunity for Mike and I  we could completely redefine our lives based on what we want rather than what we have to do.  Is that so outside of the norm?

Ok off track - that's for another moment of self reflection.

My image today that I want to focus on for self reflection is this.

A pier over water.  What I think when I look at it are a few different things.  I see a path that has to be followed.  I see an edge where you must jump off and move in to a totally different environment otherwise you move backwards.  Even if I try and deviate from the path it has to be something different.  It's either move forward and try something new, stay frozen in the same place and just look out over the possibilities or go backwards. That's it.

I'd say that I were to place myself on the pier I would be a few feet from the edge.  Not at the end yet but very very close.  Maybe just a step or two a day away from the edge.

One thing I can't see is what or who is in the water.  Water has much life within so I wouldn't be alone.  So even though as I look out on the horizon and see no one, I have to believe that when I take the step or jump in to the water, or my new environment that it will be full of love and support like this one is. 

I'm so tired.